Humility, Humanity, and Hormones

I want this blog to be "real." I'm going to call it like it is throughout this process; I'm not doing anyone any favors by sugar-coating things. If you're thinking of adopting, I hope this will help give you an idea of what kinds of things you might go through. If you're reading because you're interested and want to support me, I'd like for you to know what's really going on so you can support me in the ways I need.

I knew this adoption was going to stretch me and change me in ways I couldn't begin to imagine. I just didn't know what it would look like.

One of the biggest lessons so far has been humility. It's really hard for me to ask for support, be it financial, emotional, or physical. And yet, at the end of the day, I do need help. I can't do it on my own. So I ask, and if the answer is no, I ask someone else. My voice trembles a little, my heart races, my hands shake, but every time I approach a stranger to ask for a donation for a fundraiser it gets a little easier. And I feel like a tiny seed is maybe planted, that one more person in the world is a little more educated about the orphan crisis and the plight of orphans with special needs in particular.

There's been a big shift in my relationships. Wanna weed out your friendships and figure out which ones are strong and which ones were fillers?
Adopt a special needs kid as a single parent.

You'll get real clear, real fast.

People I thought would be thrilled to support me have disappeared, and people I never thought would care came out of the woodwork and have become my most ardent supporters. I've made new friendships in the most unlikely places. As much as I grieve relationships that just weren't working for me anymore, I know my life is headed in the right direction. Surprisingly for me, I don't harbor resentment for the ones who've moved on. I know there's a reason and a season for all things, and I accept that and am moving forward. {This is in start contrast to how I handled similar situations in the past.} I wish them the best and am glad our paths crossed when they did. I'm relinquishing control, letting go and letting God. I'm learning, repeatedly, that what He has planned for me is far cooler than anything I had planned for myself.

I'm learning very concretely that support comes in many forms. 

For one person, it's a financial donation. 

For someone else, their gift is emotional support, a shoulder to cry on when I need it. 

And for someone else, it's rolling up their sleeves and helping with the yard sale.
{Speaking of which, between donations and yard sale last week,
there is over $1000 in the adoption fund that wasn't there before!}

Some people have too much going on in their own lives to really be too involved,
and that's okay. 

I know they love and support me anyway. We can all only do what we can do.

I'm learning there's a very good reason people call this a "paper pregancy." I really do have the pregnancy hormones to go along with the insane amount of paperwork I'm juggling. 

{Photo evidence of said paperwork to follow soon.} 

I am up, down, and all over the place.
What does this mean for you, as my friend?

I cry at the drop of a hat. {Sometimes. And sometimes I'm apathetic.}
I cry when I'm happy and I cry when I'm sad and I cry when I'm overwhelmed. It doesn't mean I can't handle the stress- it just means that while I KNOW I'm supposed to be on this path, it's also scary and lonely and terrifying and exhilerating.
It's all those things wrapped into one messy little package.
{And also, I cry because as hard as it is for me, I know it's nothing compared to how hard it is on the children who are waiting. Adoption is hard. Being an orphan is HARDER.}

I forget EVERYTHING.
I will forget we have plans, so I might not show up. If I do show up, I can guarantee I'll be running late. I will have zero recollection of the four other times we had this same conversation. And you will want to strangle me, and I won't understand why.

I am preoccupied ALL THE TIME.
I will stare blankly at you and suddenly realize I have no idea what we've been talking about. My mind has probably been on the gazillion things I should have done yesterday but didn't get done. Please don't think it means I love you any less. I am just trying to keep track of what fundraisers I have going on, what my work schedule is that week, which documents are going to expire soon, which ones need to be re-notarized, which adoption appointments are coming up, how much money I have, how much money I need, who I was supposed to call and why...you get my drift. I am working on this one and trying hard to be reliable in the midst of what feels sometimes like chaos.

So essentially, I'm hormonal, continually humbled, and feeling parts of my humanity I had disconnected from for a long time. Good times, huh?!