Recovering

I recently started reading this blog and this post in particular really grabbed me. It's about recovering from addiction, and the first paragraph reads, "I think that life done right is one long recovery process. We’re all recovering from something."

This week I'm recovering from not getting travel dates on the day I fully expected them to come. My dossier has been submitted since the end of August, and things in the region are progressing. The day I was expecting travel dates {a certain day in a particular week of the month is when they usually come} is a poignant day for me and my family--an anniversary of sorts--and I got my hopes high that I would hear something that day. The day came and went with no news.

It sounds ridiculous to say I was devastated, when my rational mind knows I can likely expect travel dates at SOME point in the not-too-distant future. But when there's no news, fear creeps in. I've already had to re-do some documents, and I worry about having to re-do the others because of the amount of time and the cost involved in paperchasing. Things appear to be getting tougher in this region and I worry about that. Adopting as a single sets me up {understandably} for more scrutiny.

The part that really struck me in the blog post linked above was this: "Alternate two prayers – 'Help' and 'Thank you.'"

Without really thinking about it, that's exactly what I've been doing. The commentary in my head sounds something like this: Thank you for both my jobs and the money they provide. Help all the money to be there when needed. Thank you for the people who have donated to the adoption fund. Help the process to go as it's meant to go. Thank you for the amazing emotional support from friends and family. Help me to be patient.

Thank you for setting me on this path. Help me to complete it.

The Wait (And Jen Hatmaker on Adoption)

My documents are finally in-region being translated. I hope they'll be submitted within a month, and a travel date will come after that. There will be three trips- the first to meet the child and accept the referral, the second for court, and the third for pickup. This time of waiting has so far proven to be the most difficult emotionally and mentally. Things are out of my hands and apart from working two jobs to come up with the needed funds, there's not a whole lot I can be doing right now. I have joined a rotary club, which I think is going to be great. Like-minded individuals, service projects, meeting new people. I also try to see friends at least once a week, which is difficult with my crazy schedule but also needed. And I try to work out 4-5 days a week (ideally I'd like to work up to even more, but for now it's all I can do to aim for 4-5, and I usually only actually make it 3 days a week). There are a couple of days a week I work 16 hours a day, a few 12s, couple of 10s. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my new second part-time job. It has been so rewarding so far and is a lovely work environment. I also am going to start selling things on eBay as a third part-time job, but so far that has been the last thing to get up and running! I am exhausted, but it feels good to be able to work hard toward the goal of bringing a child home.

Back in May, Jen Hatmaker had a conversation on her facebook page that I got permission to replicate here. If you don't know who Jen is, check out her blog here. She adopted two older children last year and writes about adoption in a way that just speaks right to me. (You will definitely want to check out her posts After the Airport and How to Be the Village.) Here is a good part of that facebook conversation.

"RAISING MONEY: First off, we are all called to the orphan, and I believe some of us are going to raise the kids, and some of us are going to raise the money. CHURCH, if you are not compelled to adopt, help someone who is. It costs money to pay for prenatal care, international travel, orphanage fees and costs, agency fees (we need our agencies and this is their job), nanny salaries, food and education, lawyers/court costs. IN TERMS OF FUND RAISING: just go crazy. Garage sales, sponsored marathons, grant writing, ABBA Fund loans (interest free, paid off when you receive your tax credit), merchandise sales, anything, everything. The numbers seem so huge, but you can't imagine the miracles God works surrounding the funding of adoption. I've seen it hundreds of times. Money should absolutely NOT be the reason you say no. You need it bits at a time, not all at once, and this is an easy task. Don't forget: adopting families get a 13K tax credit the year after the adoption is finalized, which helps fund at least half of most adoptions.

ON ADOPTING OLDER KIDS: First of all, for the tens of millions of kids over age 5, their chances for adoption drop off severely. The curve falls off steeply. It is such a tragedy, and let us Older Kid Families tell you: they are a joy and delight. They often get vilified, as if they are all predators or serial killers in the making. They are just kids. All alone in this big scary world. Kids like all of our kids and they desperately need us. YES, they come with lots of needs and wounds and fears and baggage. I will never gloss this over, because it is hard, hard work to love a kid back to emotional health. (But if you adopt a baby, his sense of abandonment will come out later...so you're getting it one way or another.) The language barrier is SO NOT A BIG DEAL. Wow, God wired kids' brains for language acquisition. They pick it up so fast, I almost can't remember when they couldn't speak English. The resources and community available to adopting parents is so vast and rich now, you will never be alone in your parenting issues. So many experts and other parents are here to help you raise an older adopted child. You will be heavily resourced and supported if you want to be.

This is one of our big values as well. Caring for the orphan ALSO means making sure as many as possible don't become one in the first place. We have to care about the 170 million already orphaned, and we have to care about the hundreds of millions on the verge of becoming orphans. We have a lot of work to do, people. Maybe this is why Jesus didn't give us a nice, comfortable middle road to travel. Darn Him.

ON THE EXCRUCIATING WAIT/DELAYS: Oh my, I can speak to this. First, forget whatever timeline you were given at the beginning. Forget you ever heard that. Put that in the trash can. Adoption will change, shift, slow down, hit snags, be weird, be difficult, take longer than you think, take longer that you can stand. This will happen. This is the normal thing. When someone gives you a timeline, say, "Thank you for that cute little sentence. Flush." Potential adopters, let me tell you this: Get your "YES" straight at the very beginning. Decide on it. Roll around in it. Put it on the table and shellack it. Because you cannot let every delay and snag derail your certainty about adoption. When you say YES, you are saying YES to enter the suffering of the orphan, and that suffering includes WAITING FOR YOU TO GET TO THEM. I promise you, their suffering is worse than yours. We say YES to the tears, YES to the longing, YES to the maddening process, YES to the money, YES to hope, YES to the screaming frustration of it all, YES to going the distance through every unforeseen discouragement and delay. Do not imagine that something outside of "your perfect plan" means you heard God wrong. There is NO perfect adoption. EVERY adoption has snags. We Americans invented the "show me a sign" or "this is a sign" or "this must mean God is closing a door" or "God must not be in this because it is hard," but all that is garbage. You know what's hard? Being an orphan. They need us to be champions and heroes for them, fighting like hell to get them home. So we will. We may cry and rage and scream and wail in the process, but get them home we will."

I couldn't have said it better!

The Big Picture

After a brief blog hiatus, I'm back and refocused.

Adoption is a miracle and a blessing. It is also all-consuming. For eight months now, I have BREATHED adoption-related-everything. It's all I've thought about and all I've wanted to talk about. And for good reason. It is a terrifying journey, and also exciting and amazing.

I can tell you that I stopped listening to your answer to my "I'm good, thanks, and how are you?" a long time ago. That is so unlike me, and I don't like it! I've stopped connecting with other people the majority of the time. I am attached to the internet like you wouldn't believe, reading blogs and facebook statuses and loving photos of kids who are have recently come home. That's all well and good- in moderation. I am working on it :)

Here's the main problem. As my entire life has been consumed by adoption, I have lost sight of the bigger picture. Not the bigger picture of getting my kid home- oh no, that is still front and center and will be until he or she is home! But the bigger picture that I AM BLESSED, and need to share the wealth a little, even (especially?) as I am in-process.

The mere fact of me adopting means I am financially stable enough to do so. There are people who can't feed their kids. The mere fact of me adopting means I am in good physical health. There are people who are not, who need help. The mere fact of me adopting means I am in good mental health. There are so many who are downtrodden and in distress! The mere fact of me adopting means I have a solid roof over my head with no threat of it not being there tomorrow. There are so many who don't have that blessing today. And try as I might to justify that I am saving up for my own adoption, that I can't financially afford to bless others right now, that's just not true. I can do a little here and there and have full faith that God will still make ends meet one way or another. And I can certainly spend time doing service. Time I had convinced myself I didn't have, since I need to be working my second job and fundraising- but the fact is I need to make time. Period.

So I'm making a couple of changes. First, I am joining a local Rotary club- the same club that sponsored me ten years ago on my first humanitarian aid trip to Kenya. I am THRILLED to meet new people who have a heart for service and am so excited to get involved in some of their projects!

I am also getting back on track with exercising, swimming and walking. This helps me SO MUCH to be focused on the positive, to make eye contact with people I walk by, to enjoy nature, to get some sun, to lose those last few pounds I need to lose, and definitely will help me be ready for the Triathlon that is in, um, five weeks or so (eeks).

I am also scheduling time with good friends- via Skype, coffee dates (where I bring my own coffee to save money, lol), swim dates at the pool, etc. I am continually trying to refocus outside of myself, so if you see me zoning out, call me on it, please! I do NOT want to miss life during this process. Not living during this time won't bring a child home any faster, or make the process any less arduous.

Phase One Complete!!

I just checked my bank account, and the check I wrote to the adoption agency has CLEARED. I am officially through Phase One of this adoption journey! (You can look under "The Cost" tab to see a breakdown of fees that are already paid.) If someone had told me five months ago that I would be able to come up with almost $10,000 in five months, I'd have said they were crazy. And yet, every penny I've needed has so far been available when I've needed it! I'm amazed and thrilled. Thank you for sharing this journey with me!

USCIS Approved!

I came home last night to find these words in my mailbox:

"Notice of favorable determination concerning application for advance processing of orphan petition: It has been determined that you are able to furnish proper care to an orphan."

I was fully expecting to be pink-slipped, which is when they ask for more information or for more documentation. Since my appointment to be fingerprinted wasn't technically until last week, even though I walked in two weeks early, I was really surprised at how quickly approval came! And no pink slip. Thankful for little mercies! The USCIS approval basically means the US government has looked over my documents, done yet another background check, and approves me to adopt 1-2 children from ages 0-4 from the foreign country I've applied to adopt from. Hooray!

And here's a photo most of my registration dossier...just waiting on two more documents to be apostilled and then these babies will be en route to my agency and then to the foreign country! Now I need to start working on the NEXT dossier, for court...

Humility, Humanity, and Hormones

I want this blog to be "real." I'm going to call it like it is throughout this process; I'm not doing anyone any favors by sugar-coating things. If you're thinking of adopting, I hope this will help give you an idea of what kinds of things you might go through. If you're reading because you're interested and want to support me, I'd like for you to know what's really going on so you can support me in the ways I need.

I knew this adoption was going to stretch me and change me in ways I couldn't begin to imagine. I just didn't know what it would look like.

One of the biggest lessons so far has been humility. It's really hard for me to ask for support, be it financial, emotional, or physical. And yet, at the end of the day, I do need help. I can't do it on my own. So I ask, and if the answer is no, I ask someone else. My voice trembles a little, my heart races, my hands shake, but every time I approach a stranger to ask for a donation for a fundraiser it gets a little easier. And I feel like a tiny seed is maybe planted, that one more person in the world is a little more educated about the orphan crisis and the plight of orphans with special needs in particular.

There's been a big shift in my relationships. Wanna weed out your friendships and figure out which ones are strong and which ones were fillers?
Adopt a special needs kid as a single parent.

You'll get real clear, real fast.

People I thought would be thrilled to support me have disappeared, and people I never thought would care came out of the woodwork and have become my most ardent supporters. I've made new friendships in the most unlikely places. As much as I grieve relationships that just weren't working for me anymore, I know my life is headed in the right direction. Surprisingly for me, I don't harbor resentment for the ones who've moved on. I know there's a reason and a season for all things, and I accept that and am moving forward. {This is in start contrast to how I handled similar situations in the past.} I wish them the best and am glad our paths crossed when they did. I'm relinquishing control, letting go and letting God. I'm learning, repeatedly, that what He has planned for me is far cooler than anything I had planned for myself.

I'm learning very concretely that support comes in many forms. 

For one person, it's a financial donation. 

For someone else, their gift is emotional support, a shoulder to cry on when I need it. 

And for someone else, it's rolling up their sleeves and helping with the yard sale.
{Speaking of which, between donations and yard sale last week,
there is over $1000 in the adoption fund that wasn't there before!}

Some people have too much going on in their own lives to really be too involved,
and that's okay. 

I know they love and support me anyway. We can all only do what we can do.

I'm learning there's a very good reason people call this a "paper pregancy." I really do have the pregnancy hormones to go along with the insane amount of paperwork I'm juggling. 

{Photo evidence of said paperwork to follow soon.} 

I am up, down, and all over the place.
What does this mean for you, as my friend?

I cry at the drop of a hat. {Sometimes. And sometimes I'm apathetic.}
I cry when I'm happy and I cry when I'm sad and I cry when I'm overwhelmed. It doesn't mean I can't handle the stress- it just means that while I KNOW I'm supposed to be on this path, it's also scary and lonely and terrifying and exhilerating.
It's all those things wrapped into one messy little package.
{And also, I cry because as hard as it is for me, I know it's nothing compared to how hard it is on the children who are waiting. Adoption is hard. Being an orphan is HARDER.}

I forget EVERYTHING.
I will forget we have plans, so I might not show up. If I do show up, I can guarantee I'll be running late. I will have zero recollection of the four other times we had this same conversation. And you will want to strangle me, and I won't understand why.

I am preoccupied ALL THE TIME.
I will stare blankly at you and suddenly realize I have no idea what we've been talking about. My mind has probably been on the gazillion things I should have done yesterday but didn't get done. Please don't think it means I love you any less. I am just trying to keep track of what fundraisers I have going on, what my work schedule is that week, which documents are going to expire soon, which ones need to be re-notarized, which adoption appointments are coming up, how much money I have, how much money I need, who I was supposed to call and why...you get my drift. I am working on this one and trying hard to be reliable in the midst of what feels sometimes like chaos.

So essentially, I'm hormonal, continually humbled, and feeling parts of my humanity I had disconnected from for a long time. Good times, huh?!

More progress!

I received my letter from USCIS this week with my fingerprinting appointment. I walked in two weeks early and they fingerprinted me today! I have not cleared USCIS yet- now that they have my fingerprints they'll process my application to bring an orphan into the US. But it's one step closer!

I also got all my documents for my dossier notarized a few days ago. Now I need to fax them to my agency, who will make sure they're good to go before I shell out $600 on apostilles (which is basically a state level notary verifying the notary who signed is in good standing). My state charges $15 per document, so that adds up fast. After I'm cleared to apostille, I'll send everything to the agency, who will send it on to the foreign country!

Progress!

Major progress this week! I have my COMPLETE APPROVED HOME STUDY in my possession! This timing was critical as I needed it complete to be able to apply for a grant that I am very hopeful about getting. That grant application has been sent in and I have about five more I need to sit down and fill out this weekend.

The completed home study also means I was able to take the next major step- applying for USCIS approval. I sent in my I600-A form today with $805. The US government will read my home study, validate what it says, and approve me to bring an orphan child into the US (after I am assigned a date to have my fingerprints done- this will be the fourth time for this adoption so far!). It's possible they'll ask for more information, but I'm hoping all goes well and it moves along quickly.

Get Involved!

In order to raise funds for Gina's adoption, her friends have created Team ONE and invite you to participate! 

Together, a team will run, bike, and swim the TriUtah Ultimate Relay- 126.5 miles on August 4th, 2012, from Ogden to Midway, Utah. Team ONE will raise awareness about the orphan crisis, and ultimately, will help ONE orphan find his or her way to their forever home. AND WE NEED YOUR HELP!

There are several ways you can get involved.

1) Sign up to run, bike, or swim the TriUtah Ultimate Relay on your own Team ONE Affiliate Team! If you're not in great shape at the moment, you still have FOUR MONTHS to train! The swims are 1000 meters, the runs are 6 miles, and the cycling events are between 17 and 41 miles. Each team can have between 3 and 6 participants, so you can do from 2-4 events. We're going to get press coverage to bring awareness to our cause, and the more people we have participating, the better! Each team will be asked to have their family and friends sponsor them in their efforts, and we're hoping each team will be able to donate $126.50 to Gina's adoption fund (one dollar for every mile of the race). If there are six members on a team, that comes out to a little over $20 per person in sponsorship funding. Go here for more info and to sign up. Please leave a comment below letting me know you signed up, so I'll know where we're at. (If you know me in real life, you know I'm fairly out of shape. But I'M DOING THIS TRI. Please join me!!) As an alternate option, if you live out of state and can't travel for this tri, train with us and run/bike/swim "virtually" from your own city! If you do this, please also leave a comment so I can add you in to the numbers. I'm aiming for all 40 teams to be registered and established by May 15th.

2) Sign up to be a support person for one of the Team ONE Affiliate Teams! Each team will need one vehicle to drive the course and shuttle the participants to and from their events. This is going to be a RIOT. If you can't run/swim/bike, please consider this option.

3) Follow this blog. In addition to adoption updates, there will be various giveaways (including an iPad giveaway) and other fundraising efforts that you won't want to miss.

4) Donate an item or service for a giveaway, which will be advertised on X96 (reaching 70,000 listeners). Items/services donated are eligible as a tax donation. Leave a comment below to donate!

5) Consider donating directly to Gina's adoption fund. Adoptions from this region cost between $30,000 and $35,000. There are several ways to help provide an answer for this need. a) You can also donate through the Chip-In on the right, which is tax deductible. b) You can contact Gina and send a check directly to her (thus bypassing Pay Pal/Chip-In fees). Please leave a comment here and she will contact you. c) We are currently doing a sippy cup drive where people are collecting their spare change in a sippy cup provided by Gina. When the cup is full, you donate what you've collected and start again! Leave a comment below and Gina will get the sippy cup to you.

6) Spread the word on Facebook, through email, on your own blog, to your family and friends, etc. Even if you can't donate or otherwise get involved, someone you know may want to and be able to. If you share during a giveaway, leave a comment on this blog and you will be entered to win one of the prizes! No donation necessary. 

7) Pray/support/send good vibes. Your prayers, thoughts, and support are very much appreciated. This is a difficult process with any number of obstacles, and your support matters!

No matter how you choose to get involved- THANK YOU!

Where I Am

March was an incredibly slow month adoption-wise, so forgive my lack of blogging. The first home study agency I used turned out NOT to be licensed to do international home studies after all. Therefore, after nine weeks in-process, I pretty much had to start this adoption over with a new home study agency. (Don't worry- I got every penny back from the first agency!) It took awhile before they could get a social worker out, but the great news is I've really liked this agency! Their response time is fantastic and I LOVE my new social worker. A woman after my own heart. My home study should be written up this weekend, and then it will be sent to my adoption agency to proof. They'll send it on to their facilitator in the foreign country, who will approve it (or make needed changes to clarify). It should all be done in time for me to apply for a HUGE grant that I'm very hopeful about possibly getting! Also, my FBI clearance to adopt showed up last week. After the HS is complete, I'll make sure all my paperwork for my dossier is together and will take it all to be notarized for free at my credit union, and then have it apostilled.

A Whisper

This post is used with permission by Julia Arnold Nalle and her original blog post can be seen here.

Just a whisper. A Holy Spirit breathed whisper. A longing. A stirring that began years before but began to grow louder and more insistent as time passed. Adoption. One day, I said. One day. Later. Too busy now. My days too full. Not enough money. Not enough time. Later. Much later. When I'm married. When I finish my current projects. When my bank account is above zero. Another day. Not today.

All good arguments but the whisper stayed. The stirrings continued. The voice wasn't silenced. The God-ordained encounters with those who had gone before kept happening. Consider. Just consider. Pray. But... but...no...can't...not....all the arguments. Mental gymnastics. The money, God. Where? How? It can't work. It's crazy. I'm just out of school. So much to do. So many plans. My schedule is insane. Dear Lord - it's just not the right time. 

Louder. No longer a stirring but a wave. A push. An emptiness. A realization that I lacked. Something. Someone. My life was full of nothing. Crazy, chasing after useless dreams. Circling - protecting my life, from what? My spiritual life - going through the motions. For what? My passion gone. Realization of my empty cup.

Then one day, suddenly- 
The Holy Spirit whisper becomes a scream. 

GO. 

   GO. Now. Say yes. Despite the bank account. Despite the schedule. Despite the arguments. Despite it all. GO. 

The Beginning

For a New Beginning

In out-of-the-way places of the heart,

Where your thoughts never think to wander,

This beginning has been quietly forming,

Waiting until you were ready to emerge.

For a long time it has watched your desire,

Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,

Noticing how you willed yourself on,

Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.

It watched you play with the seduction of safety

And the gray promises that sameness whispered,

Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,

Wondered would you always live like this.

Then the delight, when your courage kindled,

And out you stepped onto new ground,

Your eyes young again with energy and dream,

A path of plenitude opening before you.

Though your destination is not yet clear

You can trust the promise of this opening;

Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning

That is at one with your life's desire.

Awaken your spirit to adventure;

Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;

Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,

For your soul senses the world that awaits you.

~ John O'Donohue ~

I first came upon this poem at the time I was first considering international special needs adoption, and it spoke directly to my heart. My life at the time was wholly satisfactory, but what was I doing for others? Not much. What was I doing to make my life-long dream of becoming a mother a reality? Nothing, really. What was I doing out of the ordinary? Nothing at all.

I came upon blogs of other families who were adopting special needs children. "Someday," I told myself.

When I make more money.

When I have a bigger house.

When I'm married.

When the timing is better.

I did my best to put the whole orphan crisis out of my mind.

And yet....and yet.

The emptiness was growing, and I was becoming tired of my "safe" life.

Finally, finally, I stepped onto new ground.

Suddenly I knew:

I make enough money.

My house is big enough.

I can raise a child without a spouse.

{One parent is most certainly better than none.}

If not now...when?

If not me...who?

I have so much to offer a child. Something {or Someone} much bigger than myself has been preparing me for this road for a long time before I ever had any idea this road would be in my future.

So here I am, preparing to adopt a special needs child from Eastern Europe as a single mother.

My destination is not yet clear, but I'm trusting the promise of this opening. It is, after all, at one with my life's desire.